Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
