we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
