whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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