Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
So squirting runs in the family.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
