i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
