I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
