So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
