how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
