i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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