i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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