the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
