Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
