There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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