white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
