i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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