she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Oh god it's open bar.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
