In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
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