i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I just gargled with NyQuil
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
