his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
