I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
