I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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