I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
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