listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
