Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize