Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
