yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
