Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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