His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Randomize
