I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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