They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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