Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
