I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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