I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
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