Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
