I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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