God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
