Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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