Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
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I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
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I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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