I am midnight drunk by noon
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
