Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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