Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
