put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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