I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
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i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
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You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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