Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
