getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
