i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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