; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
