Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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