why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
