if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
