Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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