Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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