I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
