either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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