I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
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Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
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Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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