I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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