I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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