Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Even my vagina gasped.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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