dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
