Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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