Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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