just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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