So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
