haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
last night I used snow as a chaser
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