your room smells of hookers.
And success
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
