Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
